‘Twas The Night Before Nerdmas


(This is something Lain and I wrote years ago for our comic strip, Hatbag, It appears in our collection, Bagged & Bored.)


 

 

‘Twas the night before Nerdmas, when all through the house
Only Seth was stirring; he was clicking his mouse.
The network was primed through the router with care,
Seth with iPodIn hopes that St. EveJobs soon would be there. 

His buddies were nestled all snug in their cribs,
With visions of Mountain Dew, Skittles, and ribs.
And Seth in his PJs that showed Mr. T
Had just settled down in his unique IP.

When out in the street there arose such a ruckus,
Seth sprang from his chair, knocking over his Zuckuss.
Away to the window he flew like The Flash,
A complete run of whose comic was safe in Seth’s stash.

The moon on Seth’s car, all Dr. Who-stickered,
Gave a glimmer like magic as off them it flickered.
When what to Seth’s wondering eyes should appear,
hollyBut a flying DeLorean with robot reindeer.

With a little old driver, such a tech-laden elf,
That Seth knew it must be Mr. Apple himself.
More rapid than broadband his coursers they came,
And, linked to them with Bluetooth, he called them by name!

“Now, H4x0r! Now, Lucas! Now Shatner and Tolkien!
On Gygax! On Torvalds! On Bendis and Whedon!
To the top of the porch! Don’t mind the firewall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As back issues that in the big comics sale fly,
Before collectors raise their price to the sky,
So up Seth’s house-top the coursers they flew,
hollyWith a bunch of nerd swag, and St. EveJobs too.

And then, in a twinkling, Seth heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each nerdy hoof.
As he reached for his phaser, his face Yoda-green,
Down the modem came Jobs, and right out through the screen

He was dressed casually, from his head to his foot,
And his mock turtleneck was as black as the soot.
With a bundle of toys to dole out from his sack,
As quick as a row of Xserves on a rack.

His eyes – how they twinkled! His glasses how trendy!
His smile was like Mork, his composure like Mindy!
St. EvejobsHis droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his cool six-day stubble was flecked as with snow.

A tiny iPod he had tucked in its sheath,
And the white earphones circled his head like a wreath.
His West Coast physique had no hint of a belly,
And he radiated cool like Arthur Fonzarelli.

He was techno and hip, a right nerdy old elf,
And Seth laughed as he showed him his figurine shelf.
A wink of Jobs’ eye and a twist of his head
Told Seth that his love of toys soon would be fed.

He opened his pack and brought out many things,
Complete sets of both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings,
A soldering kit, and a Wi-Fi detector,
hollyAnd a cardboard stand-up of Hannibal Lector.

A Trinity doll, in all her skin-tight black finery,
And a set of droll T-shirts, with slogans in binary.
A new MIDI keyboard, a case of Diet Cokes,
And The Omnibus Big Book of Microsoft Jokes.

As the last of the nerd loot piled up on the floor,
He brought out the batteries – fifty or more!
And then, turning the switch on his belt back to Play,
He gave Seth a grin, and beamed back to his sleigh.

Jobs booted his team, and as they leapt towards the moon,
Seth saw a bumper sticker: I (Heart) Kakrafoon
And he heard Jobs exclaim, as he warped into night,
“One more thing: Happy Nerdmas, and to all an iSight!”

hollyhollyhollyhollyhollyholly
–Lain Hughes & David Hitt

 

 

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