How I’m Doing

It’s been a week since I got the call that Nicole had died. Random thoughts since then.

• Last Wednesday drove home for me what it is to be a writer. I had to write something that day. It was a need. I was not going to able to sleep unless I did.

• I cannot say how much the response to the post I wrote last week meant to me. I got more views of my blog just from Facebook last week than I have Facebook friends. I have never had the online community gather around me and express love and support as happened last week. It was amazing, and I appreciate it. There were moments that I struggled with the fact that I couldn’t be at the funeral, so it was special to me that I was able to share about her with more people than if I’d been there.

• I went to her grave on Monday. I wasn’t entirely sure where it was, but finding it was part of the adventure. It was strange.

• And that ties in to the other overarching theme of the week, and that is that it’s just been sort of random. My emotional landscape fluctuates, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about it, so I just let things wash over me as they do. There is a lot of sadness, but it’s a very bittersweet sadness. There’s no pain in the sadness, there’s a peace in the sorrow. Oddly enough, I’ve never had to deal with death quite like this, and it’s a very strange thing.

• Today was our engagement anniversary. I really wish I could go back to where we got engaged today. But life, as it turns out, goes on.